The Post Mortem – Part II

[Prologue: As an obscure Indian American blogger of American Political matters (whose opinions have as much value as a bet on Romney victory post-Nov 6^th), I was invited to the post mortem session held by the prominent Republicans at a secluded estate somewhere on the East Coast. The convener of the PMS (Post Mortem Session – not to be confused with the other PMS, though all the Republican men displayed symptoms quite similar to the other PMS) circulated a one-pager with possible reasons of the defeat of Gov. Romney, the Republican Presidential nominee. The reasons included most of the rants of the Faux News paid commentators and similar blowhard right wing thinkers. After the prayers and the opening remarks, the convener opened the floor for a free, frank and brutal discussion to analyze the reasons of the defeat. And I sat down with a drink and popcorn to enjoy the show.]

As soon as the convener opened the floor for discussion, there was pandemonium as dozens of people started shouting at once. Newt, the icon of marital fidelity, grabbed the mike, snatching it from Santorum, the icon of Christianity. He screamed into the mike, “I told you morons that Romney, who lost to McCain, who was soundly beaten by Obama in 2008, was the wrong choice. This is what happens when you don’t nominate the greatest Republican since Reagan. Just look at the exit polls. Most of the real conservatives stayed home because Romney was a faux conservative. Romney is as conservative as Fox News is fair and balanced. Romney lost the vote of most of the young people. I would have gotten that vote for you. (At this, somebody in the audience shouted an incredulous “WHY?”). Newt ploughed on. “Because which young people wouldn’t want to have three wives instead of just one wife?” Newt wanted to continue his misogynist tirade much longer but just then some people pulled guns and shot Newt. 

I was quite taken aback at this but my usher reassured me. “Oh, these are just water-guns. We are Republicans so everybody wanted to bring their gun cabinets to this meeting. We decided that that would have been unwise. So the NRA (National Rifle Association) graciously supplied us with hundreds of water-guns. As you can see, it was a wise decision.”

Now Santorum, the social conservative, pulled the mike back from Newt and began his fire and brimstone routine. “This is what happens when you allow a closet pro-choice candidate to be nominated. Gov. Romney couldn’t fool our base. I had told you that there was hardly any difference between Romney and Obama. So our people didn’t want to vote for Romney who was a white Obama or Obama, who was a black Romney. So they stayed home. Next time you should nominate me. I am the real conservative. I will have Mourdock or Akin as my running mate and we will sweep the election.”

Again a bunch of people drew their NRA-supplied water-guns and squirted Santorum. These looked like billionaires or the Citizens in the ‘Citizens United’ part. They had wagered a lot of money on a Romney victory and they felt that but for the Jesus-freaks like Santorum, Akin and their Crusader friends, their man, Romney, the moderate would have swept the election. They were very upset with the Jesus-freaks and they showed their displeasure by squirting Santorum. The Tea Party and other associated groups were never going to take this high-handedness. They squirted back the billionaires with equal vigor and shouted slogans against the money-men, calling them Pharisees and other biblical villains. 

“If we hadn’t energized our base with well-timed comments from our great pro-life crusaders like Richard Mourdock or Todd Akin, your quarter-billionaire would have lost a few more states”, one of the Tea Party Crusaders shouted (he was actually wearing a T-shirt that declared him to be a ‘Tea Party Crusader’ with a picture of a Christian Cross stabbed into the bleeding heart of a liberal). One of the billionaires replied with contempt that if he and others hadn’t pumped in millions of dollars of their hard-earned money into the Romney campaign, the Democrats would have won even the two Dakotas. There was a renewed bout of furious water-gun barrage from both sides and a lot of people got drenched in the process.

The trickle-down people then joined the melee. Their leader, a bespectacled professorial-looking man shouted at both the groups and claimed that it was their economic theories that got them whatever votes they did. “We explained that Obama’s idea of raising taxes on the millionaires was anti-social, anti-Christ and anti-capitalist (!). We explained the fine points of the Keynesian and Miltonian economics, then fused them with Reaganomics and Mittnomics, and promised that this concoction would get America back working. That is why you folks won at least some states”. Both, the crusaders and the Pharisees, stopped their internecine water squirting for a few minutes, stared blankly in utter lack of comprehension and jointly fired their weapons at the economists and sent them scurrying for cover.

Just then a burly man in a Sheriff’s hat grabbed the mike and shouted that Romney was not strong enough on the illegal immigrants’ issue. “Your man was doomed to failure because he hired illegal immigrants instead of hiring honest Americans to mow his lawns. He should have proposed the Arizona model of immigration reform and he would have swept the election. Every white man would have voted for him if only he was tougher on illegal aliens”.

At this, all the three previous groups squirted him with much water; even the economics people joined in the shooting. “Are you crazy? We, as Republicans, are even thinking of proposing an annual amnesty so that we can get some slice of the Hispanic votes. We may even get some Latinos if we spend a heck a lot on advertising on Latino channels. We are thinking of making Spanish the second language for the next Convention. And here this guy is mouthing off stupid macho stuff on immigration. I wish somebody would replace my water gun with a real one.” But some people in the three groups broke off from their erstwhile comrades and stood by the Sheriff and started shooting back at the rest of the Republicans. The microphone changed hands several times and the following phrases could be heard, in no particular order:

“Throw out the illegals, the Hispanics, the Mexicans,….”

“Romney was an idiot. Newt could have swept all three debates and Obama would have been toast…”

“Christie needs to be shot. Anybody who shows partisanship needs to be thrown out of the GOP…”

“Ban abortion 100%. This will bring back the whites to GOP…”

“Gay marriage is destroying the country. Ban it and watch the GOP rule for the next 100 years…”

“Abolish taxes on all people making 100,000 or more. They are the job creators. GOP needs to support all those making 100k or more…”

“Ban the 18^th amendment. We don’t want women voting if they vote Democrat all the time...”

“That was the 19^th amendment you idiot! 18^th amendment banned the prohibition…”

“18^th amendment WAS the prohibition you moron! 21^st amendment annulled the prohibition…”

“Throw out the intellectuals. They are the enemies of America…”

“Kick out the blacks – they are enemies of America…”

“Kick out the Spanish-speakers – they are enemies of America… send them to Spain”

“Kick out the women – they are enemies of America…”

““Kick out the people who don’t go to church – they are enemies of America…”

“Kick out California, New York and Ohio – they are enemies of America…”

“Kick out the Electoral College – they are enemies of America…don’t give them college tuition waivers”

“Kick out the scientists, teachers, engineers – they are enemies of America…”

After this the melee became so frightful that the only words that wafted over the din were, “…enemies of America… enemies of America… enemies of America…”.

My host looked on in horror and utter sadness at this sorry spectacle. A once great party of Lincoln, Roosevelt and Eisenhower was reduced to this pathetic state. I could see utter desperation in his eyes and I thought that I needed to do something to drive some sense into these juvenile delinquents. America’s future depended on it.

To be continued…

The Post Mortem – Part I

The quiet, secluded estate on the Chesapeake shore included a huge mansion, a large hunting ground, a shooting range, a nine-hole Golf course, a small airstrip that could easily serve for landing the corporate jets of the Gulfstream variety. And there were several small servants’ quarters to service the needs of the rich and powerful people when their fancy took them to visit this idyllic vacation spot. And on the weekend following the great Republican debacle in the 2012 Presidential elections, all the high and mighty in the GOP and its sister concerns such as the Faux News, the right-wing talk show circuit, the conservative think-tanks, the billionaires, the pundits; they were all there to conduct a frank and brutal post-mortem of the defeat. They all arrived in limousines or in their Gulfstreams. The only odd man out was… you guessed it! A very obscure Indian American blogger of American political matters. 

As I entered the spacious hall where the Post Mortem Session (PMS?) was to be held, I perceived two large dartboards, about 10 feet in diameter and a smaller one about 5 feet in diameter. All the dartboards were so riddled with darts that I could scarcely make out the pictures that adorned the dartboards. After I looked carefully, I could make out the grumpy visage of Obama on one of them. The other one was obviously Romney and the smaller one was Chris Christy, the NJ Governor who praised Obama’s leadership the week before the election. My host, as he ushered me into the hall, picked up a couple of darts and in a fluid motion flung them simultaneously. The two darts easily found their marks – one on Obama and the other on the Christie dartboard. He looked at me triumphantly and remarked, “I have gotten good at this. I can shoot two darts at a time and can hit Christie and Obama at the same time. Now I am practicing throwing three darts”. I was quite taken aback at this. I could understand why the Republicans were throwing darts at an Obama dartboard (they have been doing it practically since the inauguration in 2009) but why Romney so soon after his defeat? And why Governor Christie, the hero of the Republican Convention? My usher guessed the cause of my perplexity and explained it thus, “Haven’t you read the National Review? Or the Weekly Standard? There are enough of us who feel that Romney’s campaign sucked big time and that snake Christie was responsible for at least 2-3 percentage points on the Election Day.” 

Just then I heard a commotion and looked around. A couple of people were physically carrying away a scrawny, tall, blond woman who was kicking and screaming. My usher’s face turned into a grimace. He commented, “She thinks it is unfair to blame Romney and believes that he was the best possible candidate. She wanted to erect a couple of dartboards of her own, with pictures of Richard Mourdock and Todd Akin but the Tea Party would have none of it”. Then my usher gave me a list of instructions – do’s and don’ts. They were mostly don’ts keeping with the spirit of the contemporary GOP. The only DO was that I was supposed to throw darts at the Obama dartboard every hour if I wished to continue to be a spectator to the PMS. In the spirit of investigative journalism I agreed to the list.

The session started with the prayers and a priest read some verses in the Bible and everybody joined the prayers. Next a Rabbi offered some Jewish prayers and a small but vociferous section of the audience joined in the Jewish prayers. Then the convener of the PMS got up and asked the audience, 

“OK. Now that the Judeo-Christian prayers are finished, do we have any other religions represented here? Any Hindus or Muslims or Buddhists or any other faiths?” Nobody came forward – and I surmised that there were probably no non-Jewish, non-Christian Republicans in the PMS (In fact, going by most of the exit polls, there were hardly any non-Jewish, non-Christian Republicans among American voters, but I kept my observations to myself as it was one of the don’ts in the list of instructions. “Do Not Open Your Mouth” was the explicit instruction in the list of don’ts.). 

Then the convener proposed to offer the prayers in Spanish and immediately there was loud murmur of approval among the audience. Then the rising Hispanic star on the firmament of the GOP, the ‘Great Brown Hope’, took the stage and offered prayers en Española. But I noticed that there were hardly any Hispanics in the PMS audience (In fact, going by most of the exit polls, there were hardly any Hispanic Republicans among American voters, but again I kept my observations to myself).

The convener began,

“We are here to find the reasons for our latest defeat. We don’t have much time as most of us have very busy schedules and millions or billions of dollars to earn or manage (or squander, I mused, again in silence as per the instructions) and we are staring into an abyss if the Democrats continue to win. I want to open the floor for suggestions as to how we can turn this defeat around in 2 years’ time for the next election cycle and more importantly, win the White House back in 2016. I have been talking to all the pundits from our network (he meant the Faux News Network, the fair and balanced boys fighting the good battle against the liberal and commie media sharks) and I have a list of reasons for our defeat. I have circulated a simple one pager with that list. Let’s start discussing each one in the order it appears on the list”.

My usher passed a sheet of paper to me. I will reproduce the list here for my millions of readers:

·         Mitt Romney – The candidate

·         Mitt Romney – The ex-MA Governor

·         Mitt Romney – The moderate

·         Mitt Romney – The nouveau conservative

·         Mitt Romney – Any other Mitt Romney that you may know or despise

·         The Romney Campaign

·         George Bush (the younger one. The older one also lost an election for us but that was too far back so we don’t care about it)

·         Chris Christie – the traitor (he wanted to come to the PMS but we declined)

·         Sandy – the hurricane

·         Non-Christians

·         Pseudo Christians – those who don’t go to church or go to some ungodly/satanic churches that are open to ‘gay marriage and abortion and contraception and Planned Parenthood and taxes on the rich people’ and still masquerade as Christians

·         The Women – the unmarried ones or the divorced ones or the lesbians or the single mothers or in other words, the feminists

·         Un-American people who believe in contraception, abortion, gay marriage, class warfare (that means taxing the rich people) or in other words those who don’t watch the Fox News

·         The Hispanics

·         The Latinos

·         The Spanish-speakers

·         Young People

In other words, all the un-American riffraff that still gets the right to vote and votes Democrat

(My note: I didn’t know that Hispanics and Latinos and Spanish-speakers were different sets of people at least to any major extent. But then I am just an obscure Indian American blogger of American political matters. What do I know?)

I could see that the night was going to be a long one. I poured myself a nice glass of wine and picked up a bag of popcorn and sat down for the long haul.

To be continued…

Rape, Conception, Misconception, GOP and GOD

(Author's Note: First of all I would like to apologize to my millions (!) of readers for a very long absence. I started writing this blog in January when the Republican primaries were in full swing with the motley cast of Newt, Rick, Ron and various Mitts slinging mud at each other. Then due to personal exigencies coupled with a quiet period in the shenanigans of these characters and also largely due to my lethargy I abandoned my duty to report on the American political matters as an Indian American blogger. But recently Mr. Richard Mourdock, the GOP senate candidate from Indiana inspired me to don the hat of the Indian American blogger of American political matters once again. So here goes, once again. Hope that those same millions of readers will once again grace my literary output and hope that God doesn't will another lengthy absence from me)

Rape, Conception, Misconception, GOP and GOD

Last week GOP senate candidate from that perennially red state (voted GOP from 1964 through 2004) but lately turned blue (voted Obama in 2008), Indiana, redoubtable Mr Mourdock declared that if a woman gets pregnant as a result of a rape, it must be God’s will. When this statement raised a hue and cry from the usual liberal, commie, feminist, Obamaniacs crowd, aka traitors of America, Mr Mourdock, (unlike Mr Todd Akin, another GOP senate candidate from Missouri who also had much to say about rape, but chose to stand by his lunatic assertions) quickly backtracked and invoked the politician’s fifth amendment. (The Fifth Amendment to the American constitution allows an accused person to refuse to testify against oneself in order to avoid self-incrimination. Politicians, being what they are, have conveniently defined a fifth amendment of their own in which any of their egregious remarks can be claimed to be ‘taken out of context’). He claimed that rape of a woman is not God’s will, though the pregnancy resulting from such a rape is still God’s will. Predictably, Mr Romney distanced himself from this controversy while reaffirming his position as pro-life. Naturally, as an Indian American blogger of American political matters, I wished to interview Mr Mourdock on such a weighty matter. 

Me: Mr Mourdock, thank you for taking time out from your busy schedule for this interview.

Mr Mourdock: It is God’s will. So you should thank God.

Me: Certainly. Thank you God for taking time out from your busy schedule for this interview. 

MM: Ok, now fire.

Me: (to myself, tongue in cheek, “I am sorry Mr Mourdock, I am not here to interview you on your views about the Second Amendment”)

Me: I would like to talk about God’s Will. 

MM: I am glad that you want to talk about God’s Will. If everybody talks about God’s Will, then we will have a GOP-controlled senate, I mean we will have a better America. 

Me: Do you believe that the sanctity of life is God’s Will?

MM: Certainly. Life is the most precious gift from God and all the most precious gifts from God are obviously God’s Will. Why would God gift something precious if He didn’t intend to gift it? It is only logical.

Me: Do you believe that life begins at conception?

MM: Of course! I am the most pro-life candidate in the entire universe. Life begins at conception and conception begins with God’s Will. 

Me: So every conception is God’s will, even in case of a pregnancy that endangers the life of mother?

MM: The answer to your first question is Yes and the answer to your second question is No. Yes, every conception is God’s Will and No, endangering the mother’s life is not God’s Will. 

Me: (perplexed) Mr Mourdock, these are not two separate questions. It is a single question. Is a conception that endangers the mother’s life God’s Will?

MM: Yes and No. Yes, every conception is God’s Will and No, endangering the mother’s life is not God’s Will. 

Me: (exasperated) Is a conception resulting from a rape of a woman God’s Will?

MM: Yes and No. Yes, every conception is God’s Will and No, rape of a woman is not God’s Will. 

Me: (almost tearing my (remaining) hair out) But Mr. Mourdock, if the God didn’t intend the rape to happen, how could he intend the conception to happen, which is the result of the very thing he didn’t intend to happen? Rape is the cause and conception is the effect. Even if your colleague Mr. Akin doesn’t believe so. How can God intend the effect but be against the cause? How can it be logical?

MM: God obviously intended the conception to happen but He obviously didn’t intend the rape to happen. Why bring logic into a matter of faith? 

Me: Do you think everything that happens in this world is God’s Will? 

MM: Certainly Not! This is a misconception. Do YOU think Obama becoming President was God’s Will? Heck, even Romney becoming a candidate was not much of His Will though it was his will. I mean Romney’s will. 

Me: If everything that happens in the world is not God’s will, how do you go about determining what is God’s Will and what is not? For example, how do you know that Obama becoming the President was not God’s will? It was certainly American People’s will, so why wouldn’t it be God’s will too?

MM: (with a condescending demeanor used by a patient teacher while explaining a difficult concept to a slow child or to Ann Coulter) Because Obama becoming President is not the Gee Oh Pee’s will so it can’t be Gee Oh Dee’s will either. Remember, we, the Gee Oh Pee, and especially the Tea Party know what is Gee Oh Dee’s Will. And that is why the only compromise that I can allow once I am elected to the senate is where the Democrats agree to what is God’s Will. If you agree with me then you are also agreeing with God. 

Me: (Triumphantly) And that is why I thanked You in the beginning of this interview. And I would like to thank You again, at the end of the interview. Thank you God for taking time out from your busy schedule for this interview.

The Newt and I

Newt Gingrich won the South Carolina primary by trouncing multiple Mitt Romneys (Mitt, NotMitt and other combinations in between). This was definitely a blogworthy event. Hence I approached the Gingrich campaign for their comments. To my utter surprise I was actually invited by the candidate himself for a confidential interview. 

Me: Mr. Speaker, congratulations on your fantastic victory in the South Carolina primary. And thank you very much for giving me this privilege as an Indian American blogger of American political matters.

Newt: Thanks. But the reason I gave you an exclusive interview, which must remain confidential, is because I have a lot to learn from you guys. 

Me: ? 

Newt: ‘You guys’ means Indians. Now you must be wondering what the great Newt can learn from the Indians?

Me: Indeed Mr. Speaker. I am all agog to hear this.

Newt: You see, we in America have a lot to learn from Indian politics. We are just beginning to get good at all this politics of identity that you people have perfected for decades. Look at your esteemed politicians such as Mayawati, Lalu Prasad, Mulayam Singh, Karunanidhi, Sharad Pawar to name just a few. Americans are making a big deal about the 1.6 million dollars that I was paid by Freddy Mac for teaching them History. Compare that to the amount of money made by each of these great leaders of Indian public. And they didn’t have to do stupid stuff like teaching history and all. I met an Indian politician recently and told him about the ruckus Americans are creating about my 1.6 million dollars from Freddy Mac. He felt sorry for me. He felt sorry because he said that in India a corporator, which is equivalent to a city council member in America, makes more than that in one year; and they don’t even have to pay taxes on it. Each one of these great Indian leaders is a billionaire and still people don’t give a rat’s ass about it and still vote for them. This is something we are just beginning to learn in American politics. Now after all this fight I was able to win South Carolina because I followed the basic rules of Indian politics. 

Me: ?? 

Newt: As an avid student of history, I analyzed the success factors for each of these great Indian leaders. And what did I find? I found that people don’t give a damn if you take bribes, spout nonsense or boink another woman while your first wife is battling cancer even though you attack another guy for being unfaithful to his wife. All that is forgiven if you make them feel that you belong to their group. In India that group is called a caste. America being a relatively new civilization hasn’t had the opportunity to invent castes but we are learning fast. 

Me: ???

Newt: Take the pro-lifers for instance. So anybody who opposes abortion at any cost is considered to belong to the caste of pro-life. If you really belong to the pro-life caste, your caste members will vote for you even if you do a Freddy Mac every month. Take anti-gay-marriage. Anybody who vociferously opposes same sex marriage belongs to the caste of anti-gay. These people vote by blocks just like people in India. I have established myself as anti-gay. I am definitely more anti-gay than Romney is.

Me: ????

Newt: (In his natural condescending manner) Let me explain it to you. Romney has had only one partner in his life, admittedly she is from the opposite sex. But how can you guarantee that if he had had another partner, that would have been a woman too? With me, I have proven, not once, not twice but thrice, that I will definitely go for the opposite sex. Can you say the same about Romney? Or for Santorum or Paul?

Me: ?????

Newt: I am telling you, I have this thing in the bag. Just watch me in Florida. I have already proven my membership of the anti-gay, anti-abortion, and anti-Romney castes. Now in Florida I have to belong to be the anti-Palestine caste for the Jewish retirees, anti-Castro caste for the Cuban immigrants, anti-Republican establishment caste for the tea-partiers and that should do it. Romney won’t know what hit him.

(A noise of some heavy object hitting the ground)

Newt: Can somebody get a glass of water for this Indian guy? He seems to have fainted due to overexposure to my brilliance.