[Prologue: As an obscure Indian American blogger of American
Political matters (whose opinions have as much value as a bet on Romney victory
post-Nov 6th), I was invited to the post mortem session held by the
prominent Republicans at a secluded estate somewhere on the East Coast. The
convener of the PMS (Post Mortem Session – not to be confused with the other PMS,
though all the Republican men displayed symptoms quite similar to the other PMS)
circulated a one-pager with possible reasons of the defeat of Gov. Romney, the
Republican Presidential nominee. The reasons included most of the rants of the
Faux News paid commentators and similar blowhard right wing thinkers. After the
prayers and the opening remarks, the convener opened the floor for a free,
frank and brutal discussion to analyze the reasons of the defeat. And I sat
down with a drink and popcorn to enjoy the show.]
As soon as the convener opened the floor for discussion,
there was pandemonium as dozens of people started shouting at once. Newt, the
icon of marital fidelity, grabbed the mike, snatching it from Santorum, the
icon of Christianity. He screamed into the mike, “I told you morons that
Romney, who lost to McCain, who was soundly beaten by Obama in 2008, was the
wrong choice. This is what happens when you don’t nominate the greatest
Republican since Reagan. Just look at the exit polls. Most of the real
conservatives stayed home because Romney was a faux conservative. Romney is as
conservative as Fox News is fair and balanced. Romney lost the vote of most of
the young people. I would have gotten that vote for you. (At this, somebody in
the audience shouted an incredulous “WHY?”). Newt ploughed on. “Because which young
people wouldn’t want to have three wives instead of just one wife?” Newt wanted
to continue his misogynist tirade much longer but just then some people pulled
guns and shot Newt.
I was quite taken aback at this but my usher reassured me.
“Oh, these are just water-guns. We are Republicans so everybody wanted to bring
their gun cabinets to this meeting. We decided that that would have been
unwise. So the NRA (National Rifle Association) graciously supplied us with
hundreds of water-guns. As you can see, it was a wise decision.”
Now Santorum, the social conservative, pulled the mike back
from Newt and began his fire and brimstone routine. “This is what happens when
you allow a closet pro-choice candidate to be nominated. Gov. Romney couldn’t
fool our base. I had told you that there was hardly any difference between
Romney and Obama. So our people didn’t want to vote for Romney who was a white
Obama or Obama, who was a black Romney. So they stayed home. Next time you
should nominate me. I am the real conservative. I will have Mourdock or Akin as
my running mate and we will sweep the election.”
Again a bunch of people drew their NRA-supplied water-guns
and squirted Santorum. These looked like billionaires or the Citizens in the
‘Citizens United’ part. They had wagered a lot of money on a Romney victory and
they felt that but for the Jesus-freaks like Santorum, Akin and their Crusader
friends, their man, Romney, the moderate would have swept the election. They
were very upset with the Jesus-freaks and they showed their displeasure by
squirting Santorum. The Tea Party and other associated groups were never going
to take this high-handedness. They squirted back the billionaires with equal
vigor and shouted slogans against the money-men, calling them Pharisees and
other biblical villains.
“If we hadn’t energized our base with well-timed comments
from our great pro-life crusaders like Richard Mourdock or Todd Akin, your
quarter-billionaire would have lost a few more states”, one of the Tea Party
Crusaders shouted (he was actually wearing a T-shirt that declared him to be a
‘Tea Party Crusader’ with a picture of a Christian Cross stabbed into the
bleeding heart of a liberal). One of the billionaires replied with contempt
that if he and others hadn’t pumped in millions of dollars of their hard-earned
money into the Romney campaign, the Democrats would have won even the two
Dakotas. There was a renewed bout of furious water-gun barrage from both sides
and a lot of people got drenched in the process.
The trickle-down people then joined the melee. Their leader,
a bespectacled professorial-looking man shouted at both the groups and claimed
that it was their economic theories that got them whatever votes they did. “We
explained that Obama’s idea of raising taxes on the millionaires was
anti-social, anti-Christ and anti-capitalist (!). We explained the fine points
of the Keynesian and Miltonian economics, then fused them with Reaganomics and
Mittnomics, and promised that this concoction would get America back working.
That is why you folks won at least some states”. Both, the crusaders and the
Pharisees, stopped their internecine water squirting for a few minutes, stared
blankly in utter lack of comprehension and jointly fired their weapons at the
economists and sent them scurrying for cover.
Just then a burly man in a Sheriff’s hat grabbed the mike
and shouted that Romney was not strong enough on the illegal immigrants’ issue.
“Your man was doomed to failure because he hired illegal immigrants instead of
hiring honest Americans to mow his lawns. He should have proposed the Arizona
model of immigration reform and he would have swept the election. Every white
man would have voted for him if only he was tougher on illegal aliens”.
At this, all the three previous groups squirted him with
much water; even the economics people joined in the shooting. “Are you crazy?
We, as Republicans, are even thinking of proposing an annual amnesty so that we
can get some slice of the Hispanic votes. We may even get some Latinos if we
spend a heck a lot on advertising on Latino channels. We are thinking of making
Spanish the second language for the next Convention. And here this guy is
mouthing off stupid macho stuff on immigration. I wish somebody would replace
my water gun with a real one.” But some people in the three groups broke off
from their erstwhile comrades and stood by the Sheriff and started shooting
back at the rest of the Republicans. The microphone changed hands several times
and the following phrases could be heard, in no particular order:
“Throw out the illegals, the Hispanics, the Mexicans,….”
“Romney was an idiot. Newt could have swept all three
debates and Obama would have been toast…”
“Christie needs to be shot. Anybody who shows partisanship
needs to be thrown out of the GOP…”
“Ban abortion 100%. This will bring back the whites to GOP…”
“Gay marriage is destroying the country. Ban it and watch
the GOP rule for the next 100 years…”
“Abolish taxes on all people making 100,000 or more. They
are the job creators. GOP needs to support all those making 100k or more…”
“Ban the 18th amendment. We don’t want women
voting if they vote Democrat all the time...”
“That was the 19th amendment you idiot! 18th
amendment banned the prohibition…”
“18th amendment WAS the prohibition you moron! 21st
amendment annulled the prohibition…”
“Throw out the intellectuals. They are the enemies of
America…”
“Kick out the blacks – they are enemies of America…”
“Kick out the Spanish-speakers – they are enemies of America…
send them to Spain”
“Kick out the women – they are enemies of America…”
““Kick out the people who don’t go to church – they are
enemies of America…”
“Kick out California, New York and Ohio – they are enemies
of America…”
“Kick out the Electoral College – they are enemies of
America…don’t give them college tuition waivers”
“Kick out the scientists, teachers, engineers – they are
enemies of America…”
After this the melee became so frightful that the only words
that wafted over the din were, “…enemies of America… enemies of America… enemies
of America…”.
My host looked on in horror and utter sadness at this sorry
spectacle. A once great party of Lincoln, Roosevelt and Eisenhower was reduced
to this pathetic state. I could see utter desperation in his eyes and I thought
that I needed to do something to drive some sense into these juvenile
delinquents. America’s future depended on it.
To be continued…
No comments:
Post a Comment