As an Indian American blogger of American political matters I was given a special observer seat at a recent campaign strategy session by Gofernor Mitt Vhomney’s Stoff (this is how the words ‘Governor Mitt Romney’s Staff’ sound when you speak with your tongue firmly in cheek!). Anyway, I thanked his campaign staff profusely and took my seat as an observer and here is what transpired at the strategy session:
Note: All the comments in parentheses are mine. They are also made with my tongue firmly in cheek but if I transcribe them the way I transcribed the words ‘Gofernor Mitt Vhomney’s Stoff’, then most of my readers (about thwee or foub mibbion of them) will not understand them. So I am sticking to how they would sound as if my tongue was not in my cheek. My readers should take a note.)
Note 2: The strategy session happened after the NH primary where Mitt Romney got 20% of the vote and NotMitt Romney, also played by Mitt Romney, got the remaining 19%. (The Academy of Motion Pictures is seriously considering nominating Mitt Romney for playing several roles simultaneously, successfully. Kamla Hassan is rumored to have applied for apprenticeship with Romney for taking tips in order to better his performance in dasavatharam. The Academy is waiting for the Republican nomination process to be over before doing their own nomination for the Oscars. Other serious contenders include Rick Santorum posing as a semi-liberal in California, Newt Gingrich posing as a conscientious candidate since his conversion to Catholicism and as a devoted and non-fornicating husband since his marriage to Callista, Ron Paul acting as a decent human being by disowning his own bigoted newsletters and Rick Perry playing the role of Albert Einstein in an upcoming Telemundo serial.) This gave the Mitt Romenys a total of 39% vote in the New Hampshire. A great victory for the many Mitt Romneys any way you slice it.
Participants:
Campaign manager: One of the many campaign managers for the Romney campaign (the extra campaign managers are going to be fired sometime when the campaign has made enough profit on their services. This is called the Bain Capital strategy.)
CPO: Chief Polling Officer; also called 3CPO by the rest of the staff because he speaks in many tongues (this quality is much prized by the campaign and the candidate himself. After all, the entire campaign is based on the candidate’s uncanny ability to successfully speak different languages to different people).
Estrat: Evangelical Strategist, responsible for the many Romneys’ evangelical postures. He makes sure that every Mitt Romney is pro-life, anti-gay marriage, pro-gun, anti-planned parenthood, anti-Hollywood, anti-gays-in the-military, pretty much anti-everything.
Mstrat: Moderate Strategist, responsible for the many Romneys’ moderate postures making sure that every Mitt Romney is exactly opposite of the above.
Bizstrat: Business Strategist, responsible for the Romneys’ business-friendly postures. He makes sure that every Mitt Romney is pro-business, pro-small-business, pro-big-business, anti-regulation, anti-taxation, pro-NAFTA, and so on.
Bluestrat: Blue-collar Strategist, responsible for the many Romneys’ blue-collar-friendly postures. He makes sure that every Mitt Romney is exactly opposite of the Bizstrat.
Istrat: Anti-immigration strategist, responsible for the many Romneys’ anti-immigration postures. He makes sure that every Mitt Romney is anti-amnesty, anti-NAFTA, anti-those-businesses-that-hire-illegals, anti-Spanish language, anti-in-state tuition fees for illegals etc.
Hstrat: Hispanic Strategist, responsible for the many Romneys’ pro-Hispanic postures. He makes sure that every Mitt Romney is anti-everything that the Anti-immigration strategist does.
Mixer: This is the most important post in the Romney campaign. This guy is responsible for mixing the ingredients from all the above strategists and creates a new Mitt Romney for every public appearance of the candidate. He has a machine with a bunch of dials and knobs that Mitt Romney sticks to his head before every campaign appearance. Then the mixer feeds in the data from 3CPO and does his magic with the dials and knobs. Out comes a new, highly calibrated Mitt Romney that appeals to the particular audience. This guy gets paid by the percentage of vote the many Romneys get, minus the vote percentage attributed to the original Mitt Romney. This guy started with 99% Mitt Romney and 1% NotMitt flavor back in the days when Mitt Romney was the Governor of Massachsetts, and today in NH he has almost surpassed the original Mitt Romney percentage (as I explained before, Mitt Romney got 20% and NotMitt got 19%). This guy’s goal is to reverse the original ratio he started with. By the time the Romney campaign conquers the other Bible belt states, he will have achieved his ambition.
To be continued...
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