Indians are a 'political' lot. Most of us are interested in 'raajneeti' to some extent. This blog tries to give some basic facts about the current American Political scenario. At the least, it will make you aware of what is being discussed around the coffee machines in your workplace, if your workplace tolerates such a discussion.
First, a very brief primer on the American political system (the basic civics lesson), the major players, parties and other entities that are relevant to American political discussion:
America follows a "presidential' form of government that is quite different from the system in India.Indian system is a parliamentary democracy where the head of the govt (President) is a titular head - that means he (or she as the current case is) does not have any power and the power is concentrated in the hands of the Prime Minister (or his Soprano 'bossini') who, in turn, is not at all elected by the entire nation. Out here in the US, the President holds all the power, even the power of commuting the death sentence of a US citizen or the power of raining death on Iraqi innocent civilians (thankfully or ironically, he doesn't have the power of raining death on US Citizens or commuting the death sentence of innocent Iraqi civilians, but be that as it may). The President is also elected by the entire US in an election that lasts exactly one day. After this election, the President is elected by some kids who attend a college for a day. They call it an electoral college and the kids (who else goes to a college, even electoral college?) are called delegates. It is a bit complicated and I will explain it in detail a bit later. Anyway, suffice it to say that a bunch of random people come together and elect their President and Vice President. Sometimes they make mistakes and elect Sancho Panza and Count Dracula but nobody notices it for 8 years as happened from 2000 to 2008.Other times they elect a sheep in wolf's clothing (I was tempted to show my insensitive nature by recalling a famous nursery rhyme about wool and stuff but I may be sued for all kinds of transgressions. In America you need to guard yourself from drunk drivers and sober lawyers, not necessarily in that order.)
America has only two political parties. This is as inexplicable as the electoral college. This is like having only two employers when you are looking for a job or having only two restaurants when you are looking to eat outside or like having only two movies to watch when your are in a mood for entertainment. Clearly this 'backward' country has never seen the likes of Lalu, Mullu, Karuna, Bhenji, Pawar and sundry other party chieftains of sundry other political parties, else the hoopla about the lack of a 'third party' would never have arisen.
The two parties are called 'Democrats' and 'Democrats'. They are alternately also referred to as 'Republicans' and 'Republicans'. Some clever people have coined portmanteaus such as 'Republicrats' or 'Demolicans' to describe them. There is also a large number of illiterate Americans who believe that there are two political parties called 'Democrats' and "Republicans'. These illiterate Americans actually decide to vote for one of the two, every 2 or 4 years. It takes all sorts to make a world as the saying goes.
At any point in time, there is a sitting President or the incumbent. If he is a Democrat, then some of the craziest/phoniest Republicans come together and conduct a series of verbal battles against each other (this is called World Wrestling Federation. Some illiterate Americans call it Presidential debates. As I mentioned before, it takes all sorts to make a world). Legend has it that in the early days of the Republic, this was done with actual weapons (E.g. Alexander Hamilton V Aaron Burr, and before some pedant objects to this, I know that Hamilton and Burr were not exactly doing Presidential debates but what the heck!) and rumor has it that a lot of Southern states are lobbying to reintroduce this wholesome Christian practice. Down South (American South that is) they are big on Guns and Jesus. Jesus would be proud.
So the battles between what are termed as 'Presidential Hopefuls' begins about 15 months before the actual dust-up between the incumbent and the other chosen one. So this time around, Barack Obama being the sitting President, and inexplicably calling himself a Democrat, the Republican crazies had a chance to get into these internal battles. 4 Years ago, Barack Obama and HillBilly Clinton and many other democratic crazies had gone through a similar ritual. So anyway, this time around 9-10 crazy Republicans (as declared by them. I need to explain this a little more. They declared themselves to be Republicans. Then they declared each other crazy and then they declared each other not Republican enough. Go figure!) decided to fight it out amongst themselves to earn the right to battle the Sheep in Wolf's Clothing. Some of the more pronounced crazies decided to stay away from the fight now that they already had failing TV shows, millions of dollars in speaking fees and very Christian daughters (who were knocked up before Christianly permissible) who were on the Dancing with the Stars show. The stunned silence at this announcement at the SNL headquarters was soon forgotten and turned into glee when other new crazies came into the fray. SNL refers to Saturday Night Live, a program where funny people make fun of politicians, celebrities and such. It is quite hilarious. In India people watch the Parliament channel when they want to get their laughs.
The initial field of hopefuls (declared and undeclared) and their brief descriptions is given below:
Herman Cain: Can't keep his zip shut
Michelle Bachman: Can't keep her craziness shut
Rick Santorum: Can't keep his Jesus shut
Rick Perry: Can't keep his stupidity shut
Newt Gingrich: Can't keep his mouth shut
Mitt Romney: Can't keep his pseudo-conservative credentials open
Tim Pawlenty: Can't keep his wallet open
Jon Huntsman: Can't keep his audience's eyes open
Ron Paul: Can't keep the Federal Reserve open
Donald Trump: Can't keep his birth certificate open
This is like the racist nursery rhyme called 'ten little injuns'. The 'ten little injuns' was known as something else in the old times, in fact Agatha Christie even wrote one of her famous crime mysteries with that name. The publishing house had to change the name in 1940. Anyway, the 'ten little injuns' song goes like this:
Ten little Injuns, standing in a line
One toddled home and then there were nine.
And then it goes on reducing the injuns one by one, just like the white settlers did to real Indians (or Native Americans) but much more violently than the cute little song suggests. So the first one to go was Tim Pawlenty who got scared because he was considered a little less crazier than Bachman and Paul by some corn farmers of Ames, Iowa. Soon he realized the stupidity of relying on the opinions of some corn farmers in some boondocks place. Because afterwards he spent the rest of his days watching in amazement and kicking himself repeatedly on the shin, while the crazy Iowans propped up nuttier candidates for the simple reason that they were not Mitt Romney.
Then Donald Trump went away when his tax attorneys told him that he could not deduct his election expenses from his income. He railed and ranted about the injustice of such a system where an honest billionaire could not bring his tax bill to zero. He vowed to get to the bottom of this conspiracy as soon as he had found the next ridiculous reason to question President Obama's birth certificate. That left the field open to 8 candidates who immediately proceeded to bicker and bite each other while maintaining a facade of civility and amity.
To be continued ...
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