As an Indian American blogger of American political matters I was given a special observer seat at a recent campaign strategy session by Gofernor Mitt Vhomney’s Stoff (this is how the words ‘Governor Mitt Romney’s Staff’ sound when you speak with your tongue firmly in cheek!). Anyway, I thanked his campaign staff profusely and took my seat as an observer and here is what transpired at the strategy session (please refer to the previous post for a description of the participants in the strategy meeting):
The meeting started amicably and everybody congratulated the Romney-Mixer for achieving the great feat of making the candidate appear many things to many people in Iowa and New Hampshire. However, there were distinct undercurrents of dissatisfaction just below the surface. The Estrat (the evangelical strategist) was given a contemptuous look by the Mstrat (the moderate strategist), who, in turn, let out a torrent of some Biblical curses (or was it verses?). The Hstrat (the Hispanic strategist) excitedly said some nasty things to the Istrat (anti-illegal immigration strategist) but thankfully he said them in Spanish hence the Istrat couldn’t understand them. But he responded by waving the Arizona law in Hstrat’s face and threatened to have the Hstrat arrested for being an illegal alien. The Hstart countered by citing Romney’s own record of employing illegals to tend his lawn. The business strategist, Bizstrat and the Blue-collar strategist, Bluestrat were always at each other’s throats but had kept their uneasy truce for the fear of being fired. The campaign manager (CM) had to restore order within minutes of opening the meeting by separating the warring strategists from each other’s throats.
Then the chief polling officer (3CPO) prepared to reel out his polling data of the key issues in South Carolina. Everybody knew that South Carolina was the real test of their team. This was for 3 main reasons. Firstly, the Romney-Mixer had turned the knobs far enough left on many issues to suit the New Hampshire market. Now he would have to turn them around far enough right to suit the South Carolina market. This was not an easy task. Secondly, they knew that Santorum, Perry and Gingrich were already ‘far out’ on the right side and had vowed to make their last stands in South Carolina; at least Perry and Gingrich had vowed so. Thirdly, Ron Paul, the perennial nutcase had suddenly loomed as a threat. The team didn’t even have a strategist that could counter Paul and the Mixer would have been clueless how to mix the existing ingredients that would make the Romneys look like or unlike Paul. It was imperative that 3CPO came up with very fine poll numbers or the Romney team would meet their first defeat. The tension was palpable in the room.
The 3CPO began, “I have the following data. 16% of the Palmetto state wants Romney to be Romney, 28% wants him to be not Romney, another 15 % want him to be Baptist or Presbyterian but there are another 6 % who want him to continue as a Mormon. 12% prefer him to be a Catholic while 19% said they would send him to purgatory if he tries to pull a Newt on them at this late stage. And anyway, Romney’s Confessional would be outright insipid compared to Newt’s colorful one. 62% want him to give them affordable healthcare but 80% want him to repeal Obamacare even if it is affordable. 60% want him to attack Iran while 75% want him to bring back the troops. 35% want him to cut Federal budget and 45% want him to get them jobs, in Federal Government preferably. 20% want him to attack Newt for being anti-party while 30% want Newt to attack him for being anti-conservative. 25% want him to be like Ron Paul when Paul talks about the federal spending. 20% want him to be like Santorum when Santorum is frothing at the mouth against gays, abortions and liberals. 15% want him to be like Perry when Perry is not debating or doing math. 10% want him to be like Newt when Newt is asleep. 5% want him to be like Huntsman but they didn’t know who was Huntsman.”
“Oh Maah God! I ain’t so good at math mahself but that one there is gonna add up to a million percent, you betcha!” the Blue-collar strategist exclaimed. He used to work for Governor Perry and taught him math back in Texas.
3CPO delivered his polling numbers of the Palmetto state in a single breath (like Shankar Mahadevan’s Breathless) and slumped in the chair. Just then there were two distinct sounds. One was the sound of a soft thump when the Mixer fell down in a heap with a dazed expression on his face. The other was the electrical cracking sound that came from the Mixer’s Romney-mixing machine as it short-circuited automatically after hearing the polling numbers.
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